Full Throttle Page 5

  On my way to the office, I drive by the garage. Jake’s bike is parked in his usual space. Relief and anger engulf me. I’m glad to know he’s okay. On the flip side to that coin, I’m pissed that he hasn’t come home to me. Where has he been? Why won’t he come home? Certainly he knows when I kicked him out it wasn’t for good.

  Jake

  The distinct sound of that Mazda’s exhaust is one I can recognize anywhere. Ryder and I spent two days installing the custom pipes a week after I bought the car to surprise Kenna. We voided that new car warranty within the first month with all sorts of after-market modifications.

  Watching her car slow down enough to see my bike in place makes my chest ache. She told me to leave, so I did. Until she wants me home I will be sleeping here at the shop. Ryder’s been joking about installing a shower here at the garage. Over the last bit, Brayden, Ryder, and I have all found ourselves staying here for different reasons. It’s a bit immature of me to stay away from Kenna, I know. The best thing for me to do is go home, face the consequences and make a decision together for the future. I just can’t bring myself to face it. What if it’s over?

  Knowing Kenna is gone, I leave work to go home. Walking through those doors I’m filled with anger. I take the stairs two at a time, ignoring the hole in the wall from Saturday morning. I need to shower, change, and get the hell out of here.

  Standing in the closet, drying off, I decide I should pack a bag for a few days just in case. Kenna may not be reaching out because she doesn’t want me here. Thoughts flood me. Kenna’s voice is ringing in my ears. I have to get out of here. I’m thankful we are so busy at work. It’s a much needed distraction.

  Unexpected

  Kenna

  Trying to keep it together at work is easier said than done. I’m distracted to say the least. Lost in my own misery I find myself blankly staring at my computer screen when Chad comes in.

  “Good morning beautiful.” He chirps. Taking one look at me his smile quickly turns to a frown. “Why the red, puffy eyes Kenna?”

  “It’s nothing.” I sniffle.

  “Sure looks like something. Let me take you to lunch. You look like you need an escape and a friend today.” He makes his innocent face.

  “No, Chad, but thanks.”

  “I won’t take no for an answer. We are friends, Kenna. I’m happy to listen.” He seems determined with his hands on his hips.

  Why not? I could use a friend that’s not directly associated with Jake. “Okay, maybe if I get out of here for a couple of hours it would help.”

  “I’ll come get you around one. Does the deli downtown sound good?” He grins a sly smile at me.

  “Sure. See ya then.” My instincts are screaming at me suddenly. I’m so on edge and begin to think it must be from Jake.

  Just thinking of being out of my office has vastly improved my mood. One o’clock arrives to Chad at my office door ready to go.

  The restaurant is crowded when we arrive. We are finally seated in a small table for two in the back. At first, Chad and I are chatting about life. Sticking with common conversation pleasantries seems safest.

  Chad has a girlfriend. I met her last spring at the company picnic. Soon our topics shift from day to day casualties to life and our relationships. Chad and his girlfriend, Allison, live together. She is a bit of a nag, but he loves her. Chad says she makes him laugh and tolerates his overly flirtatious behavior.

  I don’t even realize that by the time our hour is over I’ve poured my heart out. Every ugly detail of my current status with Jake shared unintentionally with my coworker. Sure I’ve known Chad since I started my job here. He trained me after all. We’ve hung out a few times in groups for after work drinks. We’ve never actually had a serious conversation like this before. I don’t know why, but I am comfortable with him.

  I’ve never shared so much personal information with someone before, other than Jake. In the past few weeks, I haven’t managed to be open with Jake about my feelings and insecurities like I just did in the hour with Chad. What does that really say about me and my relationship?

  We head back to the office. I feel much more relaxed having gotten so much off my chest. Chad hugs me when he leaves my office. It’s great to have a friend.

  Jake

  Back at work, I find my thoughts constantly drifting. I restore cars for a living, cars that are older than me. Why can’t I restore my life? I have to find a way to make things right with Kenna.

  The ring is in the safe. The answer to my problems is in the office, right over there. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I go through with this? I’ve been in combat zones, watched my brothers in arms die beside me. Yet, I can’t get over my dumb, childhood hang up about marriage.

  Harrison calls my name getting my attention for lunch. Ryder, Harrison, and I all gather in the lobby to eat.

  “Ordered you an extra sandwich for later, bro.” Ryder says

  “Thanks man, I doubt Kenna will be cooking or even wanting me around.” I reply blankly. What can I say; things are bad.

  Harrison grunts. “Man, I don’t know how to say this so I’m just gonna put it out there. When I went to pick up lunch, Kenna was at the deli. It was busy in there but I know it was her.”

  “She look alright? She likes lunch there.” My curiosity now peaked.

  “Man, Kenna was at the deli, but she wasn’t alone. Like I don’t know what was going on. But if I were you, I would want to know. She was there with a dude in a suit.” Harrison sighs.

  “Probably a client lunch, Lawson, no worries.” I try to shrug it off, my mind now racing with insecurities.

  “Okay, man. I feel ya, but they seemed awful cozy. Dude even rubbed her back a little.”

  Shaking my head, I’m stunned into silence. Well I’ll be damned. Kenna has someone else. Harrison isn’t one to stir up trouble unless he felt there was something more than lunch. Have I driven her to seek the comfort of another mans arms? How long has she had this other person? She’s always been opinionated about the wives who cheat while their spouses are deployed. I wouldn’t think she would do that to us. Is it any different because she is not a wife, that she has no ring?

  Friends

  Kenna

  Even though we still live together, in the past few weeks, Jake and I have managed to avoid one another as well as the elephant in the room- the status of our relationship. Both of us have become consumed in work. His schedule at the garage allows him to make his own hours as long as the projects are completed by their deadline. I can tell he’s been coming home during the day while I am at work to shower and grab clothes. I know I should reach out, let him know it is okay to come home, but I can’t bring myself to make the first move.

  Chad and I have been working long hours together on a new account. We’ve also been steadily sharing lunch and dinner together as well.

  I’m comfortable with him. We talk about everything. I smile when I think of spending time with him again. He makes me laugh. Chad is a huge flirt. As inappropriate as some of it is, I like it. What woman doesn’t love to be called beautiful every day?

  My heart and body ache for Jake. Things have never been this disconnected between us. I yearn to be united with Jake. He hasn’t given me the time of day since I sort of kicked him out. I only wanted a little space to cool off. Now, he has only been home to change clothes and shower, making sure I am gone when he arrives.

  We’ve had our share of disagreements over the years. I’ve never told him to leave before; apparently he took it seriously. I really should reach out to him, but I don’t know where to begin. I still want to get married, which doesn’t resolve our problem.

  He hasn’t sent me a text or called. I find a new note everyday around the house that simply says ‘I love you beyond forever’. It’s something he used to tell me when we were first dating. Foolish pride stops me every time I reach for the phone to call or text him. Jake’s the kind of man that isn’t going to come home until I tell him to. He has always made it
clear he will not stay somewhere he isn’t wanted. I know it stems from his mom kicking him out so many times. As long as she was single, she wanted Jake around. Even now, she pulls the same crap. Once husband number seven left she was calling again. Jake was deployed at the time, and I never bothered to tell him. He never calls her, but he can’t stop the little boy inside him from answering when she calls him.

  Sitting in this house right now, the quiet threatens to consume me. Looking around at the home Jake and I have built together I begin to feel guilty. This should be enough. He’s mine. He’s completely committed to me, more than that he does, beyond any doubt, love me entirely. We have built a home and a life entwined together. The only thing we don’t have that married couples do, is a piece of paper and a shared last name.

  My phone rings, shaking me out of my musings. Looking at the caller screen, I see its Chad. Smiling, I answer.

  “Hello.”

  “Hey beautiful, I just wanted to hear your voice.” He says in such a hushed voice I almost don’t hear him.

  “Why are you whispering?”

  “Allison is in the other room. Nagging as usual, I spend too much time at work. Blah, blah, blah. She sure doesn’t complain about the paycheck as she spends it.”

  “I’m sorry.” I reply, not knowing what else to say.

  “It’s okay. I needed to talk to someone who gets it. You understand it all, she doesn’t.” He’s still whispering.

  “Take her out for coffee and dessert. Chad, she probably misses you. This is just a cry for attention.” I say, wanting to help my friend.

  He sighs, “I’d rather have dessert with you.”

  “You’re so silly. Go take your woman out, Chad. I’ll see you in the morning.”

  “Until morning. Goodnight, gorgeous.” With that we both hang up.

  Jake

  Every day is another day I spend waiting for some response form Kenna. I want to be home with my girl. Crashing on the couch at work is getting old.

  “Man, you ever plan on going home?” Harrison asks.

  “I would give anything to be home man. Kenna still isn’t talking to me.” Instinctively, I bring my hand to rub my chest as it constricts just thinking of home.

  “You want me to keep it real with you or tell you what you want to hear about your situation?” He asks firmly.

  “Lawson, you are one dude who always keeps it real with all of us. Why the fuck would I expect anything different? Say what it is you’re itching to say.”

  “You say you’ll give anything to go home. Do you mean that?” He asks with his eyes wide in a bold stare.

  “Yes, Lawson, I sure as shit mean that. I’m lost without her. We’ve been through everything together. Why would you think I wouldn’t mean that?” My hands on my hips, in agitation, at his ridiculous question.

  “Then do what the hell you need to do. Get the ring, take the stupid stick outta your ass and marry your girl.” He states matter of factly.

  “It’s not that simple.” I say with frustration building inside me.

  “Why the fuck not?! It’s as simple or complicated as you make it. Dude, I’m an ass. I’ve been an ass for way too long. I’m getting older and I have no one to share a damn thing with. You have the perfect girl for you. Quit letting some dumbass, childhood hang up get in the way of your future.” Harrison is practically laughing at me through his eyes. He makes it sound so simple.

  “You’re right, Lawson. I gotta get my head outta my ass.” I really hate when he’s right, and even more I hate admitting to him that he’s right.

  He laughs. “Seriously Jake, what you and Kenna have, it’s the real shit. It’s like my parents have, real. Don’t mess that up and don’t let it walk away.”

  “What’s up with you, man? I’ve seen Sophia come by a few times since you got that new ink.” I ask trying to change the subject.

  “Sophia, Sophia. That girl has me all twisted. She only wants my body. I’d gladly lay the world at her fucking feet. She wants none of that. Finally, someone I instantly want to give it all to, and she only wants a good lay. It’s not just sex; we really enjoy hanging out, but she will let it go no further than sex no strings.” His eyes drift to a far away place in his mind that I imagine to be Sophia’s body.

  “How’s Mags handling that? Her brother and her girl hooking up.” I ask, knowing how feisty Maggie can be when it comes to her big brother. The way she speaks about Tiffany, if that girl ever comes around, it’s a cat fight waiting to happen.

  “I don’t know if Mags has caught on yet. Sophia stays busy with her work. They’ve only hung out a few times. She questioned me once she sobered up to realize I spent the night taking care of drunken Sophia. I neither confirmed nor denied.”

  Come to think of it, none of us think about Harrison and Sophia actually together. “Does anyone know?”

  “Nah man. I’m not one to share my shit much, you know that. I’m only telling you now because I wish I could have what you have.” Hanging his head a little, he seems sad.

  “I thought when I got back from the sand box two years ago, that you and Tiffany would be the couple first down the aisle.” I state, being completely honest with him.

  He laughs a hard, belly laugh. “You and me both, bro, you and me both. Things with her started out as a way to scratch an itch. Just a fling, but damn it didn’t end that way.”

  “What happened with that? You got out of the Corps, settled in South Carolina for her. Why is your ass here building a new life with a new chick here in Charlotte?” I feel nosy asking all these questions, but Harrison has never spoken of what happened with Tiffany really.

  He pauses before answering me. “We are from two different worlds. It was doomed from the start. I had my head to far up her ass to see it. Enough about me, when you gonna go home and fix your shit?”

  “No time like the present, I guess. Since you’ve made it clear you aren’t letting me get away with it anymore.” I suppose I’ve stalled long enough.

  “I’ll lock up. Get the hell outta here.” He says with a shit eating grin.

  Let Me Love You

  Kenna

  My favorite piece of furniture, besides our bed, is the chaise lounge in the living room. I never sleep well without Jake. Usually, during deployments I spend more nights sleeping here than in my own bed. These past few weeks are no different.

  Why do I smell bacon? I was home alone when I fell asleep in the chaise. Slowly, I realize Jake is home and in our kitchen. I get up, wiping my now sweaty palms on my pajama pants. Nervous energy courses through me as I prepare to enter the kitchen. I stop upon hearing Jake’s voice.

  “Damn it. You can’t get shit right with her, not even a simple breakfast.” He mutters as he’s tossing burnt bacon on a plate.

  Watching Jake in our kitchen makes me want to laugh. He’s great at grilling and barbequing, but cooking in the kitchen has never been his strong suit. It’s good to have him home, regardless of how messed up things are. I’ve missed him. I feel warm liquid streaming down my face as I realize I’m crying.

  Sensing me, Jake turns around and begins walking to me. I practically jump onto him. I’m so conflicted. Yes, I am upset because I really want to marry this man-something he admittedly refuses to do. On the other hand, I’m so happy to have him I don’t care about any of that in this moment.

  It takes him a minute, but he finally wraps his arms tightly around me. He brings his head down to my neck inhaling like it’s his very last breath. He holds me, both of us not speaking. We need to talk but I don’t want to break this moment. Comfort, security, love all envelope me when I’m wrapped in his strong arms.

  “Jake.” I whisper so low, I’m not even sure I manage to speak it.

  He shakes his head no against me, pulling me tighter. I don’t know how long we stay like this. When he pulls away, I think it’s to talk. Instead he gently brushes kisses on my forehead, my nose, my cheeks, then he deliciously begins to kiss my lips. He begins to back me up to th
e wall. Once he has me between him and our kitchen wall, he deepens the kiss into a passionate, feral, needing kiss. His hands are all over me, I can’t keep up with his movements.

  “Jake,” I manage to say out loud as he is kissing my neck.

  “Angel, no talking right now. Just let me love you, please.”

  I nod my head in agreement. There is nothing I want more right now then to let him love me. Needing him, wanting him, I put enough space between us to look in his eyes.

  “Upstairs, baby, I want us upstairs.” Before I can move, he’s scooped me over his shoulder and we are ascending the stairway.

  Jake

  Once we make it to our room, I gently lay Kenna on our bed. Slowly, I take in every inch of her. She’s in these old plaid pajama pants and a tank top. Her hair is in a messy knot on the top of her head. Never has she been as beautiful to me as she is in this moment. To be apart, when my heart and my body crave her, has been slowly killing me. I am going to savor every moment and every inch of her body right now.

  I start by rubbing her feet, planting tender kisses on her ankles. Removing her clothes, I begin to love her entire body, slowly, delicately, deliciously. Massaging my way up her legs, I continue nuzzling and kissing her skin. I bypass her core, for now, giving attention to her flat stomach. Her hands are in my hair, that simple touch driving me wild even while I am still fully clothed. She reaches out to touch me. I laugh as I put her hands above her head.

  “Kenna, angel, if you touch me this will be over before I get started. Lay back and let me love you.”

  Back to my original path I graze her breasts with my teeth gently. Her body is perfect. As I lean in to caress her breast in one hand, I draw in her nipple with my mouth while my other hand gently grazes between her legs. Just brushing the outer lips of her folds in a teasing manner, she rises up trying to pull my hand in for a stronger friction. I continue suckling her breasts, giving equal attention as I blow, nip, suck, kiss, and caress them, all the while teasing her with long gentle strokes up and down her legs. Tracing feather like touches all over her body, I begin whispering in her ear.