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“No thanks Maggie. I don’t know Callen, I wouldn’t be comfortable. That was sweet of him to offer though,” I reply dryly.

  “Well, if you would come out tonight, you can meet him. He’s Adam’s roommate and he’s hot. It’ll be fun and a change of pace for you, come on.” Maggie says in a pleading tone.

  “Always the match maker, you are. I doubt very seriously Callen would find me much fun. Go, have a good time Maggie. I’m okay here. I love you to pieces. Now, go see your man and start your New Year right.” I say, not wanting to think of dating; not wanting to think of doing anything really.

  Maggie leaves and I’m back to my quiet solitude. We live on a third floor apartment. The view is nothing to brag about, but it’s something. Feeling suddenly trapped in my confines, I step out onto our balcony.

  It’s a starry night, as I look out to the twinkly sky. Fireworks are on display off in the distance. It’s almost time to ring in the New Year. A time for new beginnings, my mom would always say. Oh, momma, how do I start a New Year without you? I sigh.

  When I first moved to Charlotte for college, momma said. “Dina, if you get lonely look up to the sky. Study the clouds, study the stars and know no matter the distance I’m looking at the same sky as you. I see the same clouds, the same stars, and I’m thinking of you. We are together, connected always.”

  Well, momma, I’m lonely. I’m looking at the stars. Can you see the same stars, momma? Are you really watching over me? People always say this, but is it true? Are you still always with me? Is the connection the same, even with you gone? I close my eyes as I allow my tears to fall freely. For the first time since their death, I find consolation.

  More fireworks pop in the distance, bringing me out of my state of solace. Looking inside the apartment, I take a glance at the clock, as it announces the arrival of the New Year. The year I begin life without my parents.

  Chapter Four

  What’s The Harm

  January fades into February. I’m going through the motions, physically, but emotionally I feel some better. I’m lost, I’m broken, but I have a will to go on. Harrison was right, life keeps moving, even when we try to stand still.

  No one calls or comes by anymore, outside of Maggie and her family. My friends didn’t know how to help me. They certainly didn’t know how to deal with me. They are gone now, and that’s okay. People come into your life for a reason. Some for a small moment, some for a season, and those few precious ones come along and stay for a lifetime.

  Maggie is a precious lifelong friend, this I know. Her family, having always been like my own family, is now all I have left. Maggie’s parents will visit again soon. Harrison emails when he can, and I stay true to my commitment, emailing him daily. Cory, Maggie’s other brother, is busy with his life in Raleigh but he does check in from time to time.

  Funny, I’m beginning to feel ready to go out. Maggie seems to have given up on me though. She’s no longer pestering me to meet this Callen person, or inviting me out for much of anything. Although I’m ready to go out, the lack of pressure from her is a welcomed reprieve.

  Not being in the mood to cook, I decide to head to the café down the street. It’s quiet, only a few patrons occupy the premises. I order my food and drink, realizing that, even surrounded by people, I’ve been as empty and alone as this café. In the last almost year, I’ve shut down to the point that the few patrons left occupying my heart are the Lawson family and that’s it.

  Lost in thought, I’m not paying attention as I turn to walk away from the counter. Before I take more than three steps, I’m halted by a rock hard, masculine chest. Smashing into him, I spill my drink on both of us. His arms immediately come around my waist to steady me.

  “Oh my, I’m so sorry,” I stammer, flustered and embarrassed.

  He gently pulls back, his hands still on my waist. “It’s okay.” He replies as I begin to juggle my bag of food and cleaning up my spilled drink.

  I pull out a napkin to wipe his shirt. At my touch, his muscles twitch. He clearly works out. A spark ignites inside me. I feel something for the first time since my parents deaths. Nervous energy now courses through my veins at a rapid pace. I feel myself slightly tremble. The stranger places his hand on top of mine to still me from continuing to clean up.

  “Have dinner with me?” He asks.

  “Ummm…..I wasn’t planning to dine in.” I say in surprise at his request.

  “Come on. What’s the harm in sitting down for a few minutes to eat with me? I’m simply trying to get to know the beautiful woman who just ruined my favorite shirt.” He says with a smile.

  I concede deciding company tonight would be nice. Settling in a corner booth, while he goes to get his meal, I feel excitement for the first time in a long time. Conversation flows smoothly between Michael and I. He’s a communications major and lives off campus. I find myself being comfortable in his presence.

  Chapter Five

  Takin’ A Chance

  That chance dinner with Michael has brought me back to the land of the living. Maybe it is time, maybe I’m finally ready, and maybe its destiny. Either way, I have smiled for the first time in almost a year. There are butterflies in my belly at the thought of seeing him again. Maybe because he didn’t know me before; maybe my silent plea to not be alone is being answered. I’m not sure, but I do know this feels nice.

  In the last two weeks, Michael and I have talked daily. It’s refreshing. Is it the newness of it that has me giddy? Or is the connection we share that strong? I feel comfortable with Michael. When I talk about my parents, it doesn’t faze him like most people. He doesn’t tell me he’s sorry. He doesn’t sit there silently waiting for me to fall apart. He simply says, “Dina, I can’t imagine that loss.” And let’s be real, no one can. Until you feel it, you can’t remotely understand it.

  Tonight, Michael and I have a date. He’s taking me to dinner and a movie. Nervous anticipation courses through me. It’s been so long since I’ve allowed myself to feel anything other than sadness and despair. All these flutters and smiles are hard to settle in with. Thinking of Michael makes me smile, it’s an involuntary reaction. Talking to him brings a comfort that’s long been missing. Truth be told, I’ve never had that comfort from anyone but my family and Maggie.

  I’ve dated guys. Maggie and I both had fun giving the boys a run for their money in high school. We weren’t wild, per say; our dad’s wouldn’t have allowed that, but we definitely weren’t the type to settle down. Before the accident, it was great being away at school. Maggie and I were no longer under the watchful eye of our biker dads. Anytime either of us went out, both our dad’s rallied together, shotguns on the porch beside them. It used to annoy the shit out of us; it was so embarrassing. Now, I wish my dad were here to screen the guys. His mere presence was intimidating. My dad wasn’t an overly tall man, but he was built and tattooed. He was also confident and fiercely protective; there is no doubt in my mind that if a boy messed with me, my dad would have handled it.

  What would he think of Michael? Would he approve? My dad was perceptive. Are there things I’m missing? Oh daddy, I’m happy, I think. He’s been a gentleman so far. The despair is creeping up into my heart and my head once again. I can’t do this. I need to cancel; there is no way I can go out. No one is here to watch out for me like that anymore.

  A knock at the door alerts me to the time. Damn it, I was daydreaming too long, he’s here. I make it out of my room to find Maggie with a baseball bat in her hand, directing Michael to the couch.

  “Sit. Let’s chat, Michael.” Maggie commands. I stand in my doorway to observe.

  “Hello, you must be Maggie.” Michael says extending his hand in greeting.

  “No handshake. We aren’t friend’s son, we aren’t even acquaintances.” Maggie begins in her version of a stern voice. “We’re here because you want to take my girl out.”

  Michael nods his head in agreement with the funniest face. I’m struggling to stifle my giggle as I watch my best friend att
empt to play the role of our dad’s. She’s patting the bat into her hand for emphasis of its existence.

  “Dina is precious. She’s to be valued and treasured. She’s to be treated with the utmost respect, son.” Maggie states. “You fuck up, you’ll face me. I’m not afraid to go to prison for the ones I love. Take her out, but know the rules. Number one- she is to be home by midnight. Not twelve oh one, fucker, because twelve oh one would constitute a new day. A new day would mean that precious was out with you overnight. Overnight dates aren’t allowed. Midnight. Number two- you open every single door for her. We live in the south, and that’s what gentlemen do for ladies. Our Dina is a lady. I’m not a fucking gentleman so get that straight, right fucking now. I will fuck you up, if you don’t act like a gentleman.”

  Tears well up behind my eyes, as Maggie is reciting word for word the speech our dad’s gave our dates every single time. I feel him with me in this moment. I don’t move, as I silently watch as Maggie continues.

  “Number three- you pay for every damn thing. If my baby girl wants the most expensive lobster on that menu, you pay for it without hesitation. If she doesn’t even eat one bite of it, you smile and know it was worth your money just to spend time with her. If she wants to stop at five stores, for a specific candy bar that can’t be found, you stop at five stores if that’s what it takes. And you pay. You take care of my precious. Number four- you don’t drop her off. Revert back to rule number two, son, you open every door. That includes the door returning her safely home. Are we clear fucker? I’m not your friend; I’m your worst nightmare if you upset Dina. Got it?” Maggie says swinging the bat to point at Michael.

  I can’t stop the laughter. Seeing my very skinny and not at all scary looking best friend give this speech is hilarious. When my dad gave it, I would get nervous for the guys on the receiving end. Watching Maggie, it makes it comical. As I enter the living room, Maggie looks up at me and smiles.

  “Hey D, Michael and I were just getting to know each other.”

  “So I heard, Maggie. And that was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.” I reply, laughing harder.

  “What? You do the same thing when I bring a guy home.” She replies innocently. Then before I can respond, she cuts her eyes back onto Michael.

  “Okay, so I’m not that intimidating. But if you mess with her, I have two brothers and a dad that will bring a wrath upon you that you will never see coming. She’s my sister, don’t hurt her.”

  Next thing I know, Maggie has wrapped me in a big hug as she whispers in my ear. “He’s cute, D. Have fun. I’m so happy for you.”

  Then she’s off and in her room, leaving me with a smiling and very handsome Michael. He’s tall, but then again most people are tall compared to my five foot, four inch, hour glass frame. He’s wearing a black polo shirt with khaki pants. He’s skinny, but not scrawny. His shaggy blonde hair looks like he has ran his fingers through it quite a bit on his way over here. I wonder if he’s as nervous as I am.

  He stands up, coming over to me, and hugs me. Instantly, I relax in his arms. I feel warm and safe with him. I call out my goodbye to Maggie as we leave.

  Dinner is great, conversation once again flowing freely. The movie is nice. As we are on our way home, questions run through my mind. Do I invite him in? What does he expect? It’s been so long since I dated anyone, even for a casual evening. I’m at a loss as to what to do or what he expects. He follows all the rules and has me home with five minutes to spare at the front door. As I unlock my door, I look over my shoulder and ask.

  “Do you want to come inside?”

  “Dina, I’d love to, but I want to take things slow. You’ve had a long year full of change. There will be more nights for me to come inside.” Michael replies sweetly.

  I smile up at him, thinking he really is too good to be true. We’re in college most guys would not only want to be inside my apartment, but inside me. Not Michael, he’s being respectful not only of my body, but of my emotional needs as well. Reaching up, I gently stroke his cheek with the back of my hand. He leans down tenderly, and with a featherlike touch, his lips reach mine. The connection sends shudders through my body. My heart now beating faster, I feel alive once again. That simple kiss breathes new life into my meager existence.

  Chapter Six

  Bedtime Confessions

  Michael has the self-control of a saint. We’ve been dating for four months now. He even went home with me for the anniversary of my parents deaths. Slowly, day by day, I’ve come to rely on him more. In that moment, he was my rock. As we stood at their tombstones, he held me while I cried.

  We both decided to stay in Charlotte for the summer. I’m not ready to face life back in my childhood home. It’s one thing to visit. I stay in my room, as if they are still there. The furniture stays exactly the same. If I close my eyes, I can allow my mind to drift. I can pretend they are away for the weekend. That house will never be the same. I can’t live there but I can’t let go of it either.

  Maggie is spending the summer here as well. Things are good for her. She has started exclusively dating a guy named, Brayden recently. He lives here year round, and she stayed for him. This is the first truly committed relationship I’ve seen my bestie in.

  She has been spending more time at his place than she has here. I have yet to meet Brayden, but from what Maggie says he’s tame compared to his roommate Ryder, he’s a wild one. She’s never seen him with the same girl twice.

  Hearing that makes me especially grateful for what I have found with Michael. Most college guys are in it for a quick bang. I’m glad Michael and I share more. As time passes, though, I begin to wish Michael would be in for a bang. We’ve made out, but nothing beyond kissing and groping with our clothes on. When I’ve tried to take it further, he’s pulled me back. He says it’s a timing thing. Once he gets to a certain level of excitement, he claims he won’t be able to stop himself, so I better be ready. According to him, I’m not ready to give myself to him at that level. Damn it, I want him to lose control with me. If he only knew my deepest desires involve him being deep inside me. Not only has Michael brought me back to the land of the living, but he’s stirred my body back to life as well. When he’s around I have a constant hum in my core, an ache begging to be satisfied.

  We have a dinner date planned tonight. I do my hair in an up do, hoping by exposing my neck Michael will be unable to resist. Going in Maggie’s closet, I find a low cut, cocktail length little black dress to wear. Tonight, I’m dressed for seduction.

  The knock at the door alerts me to Michael’s arrival. Opening the door, I smile sweetly at him. For a moment, time stands still. Michael drinks me in. Feeling a tugging deep in my belly, I confidently reach up and pull him down to kiss me. He’s stiff and unwilling at first. This shakes me for a moment. My insecurities creep in. What’s wrong? Before I finish that thought, he relaxes, taking over and pulling me closer. Our dinner plans are quickly forgotten.

  We are two bodies, all tangling together as we stumble inside my apartment. Something has shifted; I feel a change in Michael. Excitement and adrenaline course through me with each beat of my heart. His hands roaming over my breasts, squeezing through the dress sends my pulse into overdrive. His kiss becomes passion filled, demanding, and unforgiving. I love every single second of it. Dipping his head down to kiss my neck, I mewl in want and need for him. He growls into my neck, effortlessly scooping me up. I wrap my legs around him. Feeling his erection tighten his pants, I drop my hips, lining my core where I want it to be. Gently, I grind as he is walking us back to my bedroom. Friction, sweet friction, is what I feel as I grind against him.

  “Baby, are you ready for this? I’m only going to ask once, and then I’m not stopping.” Michael states as he lays me on my bed.

  I can only bite my bottom lip and nod in agreement. Words have left me, want and need consume me. I pull the dress up over my head, exposing my breasts. I’m lying before him in my black lace thong and peep toe heels. Michael stops and st
ares at me for a moment; long enough for me to feel slightly insecure. I begin to cover my breasts with my arm as the onslaught comes. Michael is on me, fast and hard, kissing me with more fever and fury than I ever knew was possible. My lips hurt as my body begs for more.

  He lowers his head, taking my nipple in his mouth, he sucks hard. The pain and pleasure combination shoot straight to my core. He pulls his mouth off, releasing my nipple with a pop. He nips his way around my collar bone, as his fingers trace their way around my inner thigh. Pushing my panties aside, he traces my outer lips gently. Spreading them open, he circles my clit with his thumb. Liquid pools under me, as my desire is rapidly increasing along with my pulse. He inserts one finger inside me, a slow rock in and out as he sets his pace. The sensations of having his body over me, his mouth returning to my breasts, and his finger working me over are all blissfully overwhelming me. He inserts a second finger as he increases his pace. The build up inside me rapidly increasing; I’m so close. He kisses his way down my belly. He reaches the juncture between my legs. He slows his rhythm with is fingers as he blows softly on my sex. All my nerve endings burning with desire as he comes down and licks my core. His fingers are leisurely going in and out. With a gentle nip on my lips in warning, he quickly increases his pace as he sucks and licks my clit, sending me over the edge. As the aftershocks of my orgasm subside, he slows his tempo. He tenderly licks as he pulls his fingers out of me, allowing my body to come down from the climax he just gave me.

  Kissing my inner thigh, he hums against me. “Absolutely perfect, Dina. You are amazing.” He kisses his way up my body. He is gentle with my breasts now, as my entire body is hyper aware of every sensation. When he reaches my neck, I expect him to kiss me. Instead he whispers in my ear, “Are you ready for me Dina? I won’t stop once I start.”

  Rather than answering in words, I reach down and find the hem of his shirt. I tug harshly to remove the shirt over his head. He comes down kissing me. The taste of myself on his tongue has me on fire for more of this man. I reach between us, fumbling I finally unbutton and unzip his pants. He pauses to remove them fully, with his boxers. He is back over me, settling between my legs. He’s nudging his way inside of me, when I reach up and push him slightly away.